17 U.S. Code § 107 - Limitations on exclusive rights: Fair use
Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is a fair use the factors to be considered shall include—
(1) the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes [all mirrored content falls under this clause, any ads present are mirrored from the original site, mirrored content earns me no revenue whatsoever];
(2) the nature of the copyrighted work [this is a unique resource for the mentally ill, and preservation of it can be argued to be incredibly important];
(3) the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and
(4) the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work. [absolutely none whatsoever, as the original work no longer exists anywhere else (outside of whatever bits and pieces archive.org managed to capture) - the original site was intermittantly completely unavailable for a extended period of time before its SSL certificate expired (and was never renewed), and eventually the site went offline for good, then finally the DNS records were removed at some point prior to May 2018, so at this point it is well beyond the 'dead and rotting' stage]
The fact that a work is unpublished shall not itself bar a finding of fair use if such finding is made upon consideration of all the above factors.

This domain is not controlled by Jerod Poore, and I will NOT continue redirecting traffic from this domain to crazymeds.us [as I formerly did] while Jerod continues with his immature temper tantrum over adblock or continues to fail to maintain his site, fucking over his entire community and countless visitors in the process. [belated clarification: with specific regards to the adblock drama I was referring to Poore at one point replacing his entire site with a single page complaining about the amount of revenue lost to users with ad blocking active, which is something that I took extreme exception to because this affected ALL visitors to the site regardless of if or if not they were actually using ad blocking]
This mirror is unfortunately incomplete (and very slightly outdated), as /CrazyTalk/ was not included when I scraped the site (it was far too large to scrape given the site's extremely poor performance, my wish to avoid worsening the poor performance further, and other factors). If you're looking for a replacement forum, I suggest visiting https://www.crazyboards.org/forums/. There are issues with many of the mirrored pages, I am working on identifying and fixing them, but I do not have the time to address every single issue at this moment (although by now the majority of these issues have been resolved). Dynamic content is obviously completely broken (this is beyond my control), and the loss of /CrazyTalk/ is quite bad given how much good user-generated info was on there, but you have Jerod to "thank" for that. Maybe I'll bring it back online at some point, but it wouldn't be the same as before. For now, I suggest visiting CrazyBoards instead.
Note (Oct 9 2018): Infrequent additional updates regarding the status of this site will be posted on https://info.crazymeds.net


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Blogs (some content may be triggering, NSFW, etc.)



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My Life Right Now- Got Bad Review At Work-Really Down Right Now

Posted by AnxietyGirl74 in AnxietyGirl74's Blog, 17 December 2015 · 34 views

Tied Together With A Smile"

 

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

 

[Chorus:]
Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

 

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

 

[Chorus x2]

 

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

 


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That Moment When

Posted by Ajna in Narcissus & Goldmund, 16 December 2015 · 33 views

You go to therapy and you and your therapist are on the same wavelength so completely that you realize just how large the emotional backlog of shit you need to deal with is...
 
Hah. Haha. Ha.
 
Pray for me.



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Just Saying...

Posted by corlyn in corlynska's Blog, 14 December 2015 · 42 views

...I have napolepsy
Could I possibly sleep anymore..
I've been nodding off and on throughout the day on my days off..



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Dear Diary. Today I Feel Like Sh#t..

Posted by Faustina in Faustina's Blog, 12 December 2015 · 57 views

My stomach is upset and my nerves are rattled. I want to curl up under a blanket. I increased my Cipralex to 15 mg up from 10mgand I feel worse. I have two finals this week and I am shitting my pants. I might go back to 10mg. I feel like garbage. I went to 15mg because my doctor suggested it to get me to stop taking clonazepam. Now I feel I need clonazepam even more. FML. What to do...



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Awake For Hours

Posted by Sandit2 in Sandit2's Blog of Stuff, 12 December 2015 · 52 views

been awake for what seems like eons. Now I must try and sleep some more.



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Brain Noise

Posted by bloodlizard in bloodlizard's Blog, 05 December 2015 · 82 views

It's all too overwhelming. Every.little.thing.



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2Nd Visit To The Gastrenterologist

Posted by ketone in ketone's Blog, 01 December 2015 · 84 views
gi-doc, gastroenterologist

The pain in my stomach grew to such an extent that it incapacitated me. I asked my father for some money and went to see a private gi-doc. I told him that the pain was unbearable, I thought he was going to perform an endoscopy right away. I was very surprised when he told me that an urgent endoscopy was not required. I have lost 6.6 pounds in the course of over 1 month, all unintentional. The doc told me that if I didn't keep losing weight he will order additional tests namely colonoscopy and ct scan. For now he sent me home with three weeks prescription of PPIs, antispasmodics, multi-vitamin and SSRI. He told me contact me sooner if something bad happened and advised me to follow a liquid diet. He asked me if I was anxious to which I replied that I was. Does he think that this is all anxiety? I wonder if he taking it all seriously or should I seek a second opinion. What a hellish year this has been. Never thought that I would encounter times this tough.



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Soon Off To See The Psych-Nurse

Posted by butterflychaos in The Chaos of Butterfly, 01 December 2015 · 77 views

Obsessing. Always obsessing over things said, things to say, things not said.
First I was frustrated and furious over the possibility of being re-evaluated. Now I'm obsessing over it - what was she playing at? Was her intention to see how I reacted to it? Does she think my dx's are wrong, and why? I've been confident in my ADD-diagnose and BPII-diagnose for a long time now. The ADD was thoroughly investigated and there's a hundred reasons why I would be diagnosed as BP2. For starters - reactions to ADs. My hypomanic episodes. My fucking mixed episodes. God it pissed me off! But i have to run now. Write more when I get back....



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Sick Of This Constant Sleepiness...

Posted by mikl_pls in mikl_pls's thing that has words and stuff in it, 28 November 2015 · 104 views
fatigue, sleepiness

For the last several years I've been suffering from excessive daytime sleepiness, and it only occurred to me recently that it could be a condition like narcolepsy or idiopathic hypersomnia, so I started reading up about these sleep disorders, and found that I had quite a lot of overlap in symptoms in narcolepsy and idiopathic hypersomnia without long sleep (which is basically just confined to excessive daytime sleepiness).
 
I don't fall asleep while driving or anything, but have come close to it all too many times (although I didn't tell my sleep doctor that because I didn't want them to revoke my driver's license or something). I don't have the so-called "sleep attacks," but I doze off (maybe it is the same thing?) in the middle of doing things that actively have my attention, like reading or typing a post on here, and I get this overwhelming wave of sleepiness and fatigue that makes it irresistible NOT to just fall asleep. So I pass out and wake up anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours later wondering what happened.
 
It's a huge effort to just move my body around. It's uncomfortable to move in such a way I can't describe, like it's something that my body is resistant to doing, and I'm going against my body's natural inclination. Getting up to go to the bathroom even feels like a lot of trouble, or getting a glass of water. My room is a mess because I can't stand to be on my feet for much longer than about 30 seconds at a time. I start to get an overwhelming urge to lay down and my body starts resisting "being vertical." Eventually I just have to lay back down and I eventually fall back asleep.
 
At night though, it's usually a different story. I have trouble initiating sleep and maintaining sleep. Even with my sleep aids, Belsomra, Rozerem, and Restoril, together, I still have trouble with sleep maintenance. I have lots of vivid dreams that are vivid enough to where when I wake up I wonder if they were parasomnias, but I can't remember the contents of the dream that well usually. I go through bouts and waves of having hypnagogic hallucinations and terrifying sleep paralysis. When I feel very strong emotions very suddenly, it feels like my whole body wants to collapse, but I just get really weak at my knees.
 
When I saw a sleep doctor, he said all this sounded like narcolepsy and he scheduled me for a sleep study. He instructed me not to take my stimulant at least the day of the sleep study and said I could bring any sleep aids with me. Well, turned out I had a conflict with the date of my sleep study, but the sleep center called and said there was a no-show and asked if I'd like to go ahead and come on in to do my sleep study, and I said "sure!" not remembering his instructions about the stimulant. Then I went and left my sleep aids at home and didn't think about it until I got there. So needless to say, being in a strange environment, I wasn't able to sleep and they weren't able to get enough sleep data for the night.
 
So I haven't heard from my sleep doctor yet and don't know if he'll even want to try to do another sleep study. I kinda want him to take over prescribing of my stimulants because my pdoc seems to be really conservative with prescribing stimulants and perhaps doesn't quite understand them. She didn't want to raise my Dexedrine from 30 mg to 45 mg, but agreed to let me do Adderall XR 60 mg, which in effect is 45 mg Dexedrine with 15 mg levoamphetamine. 60 mg Adderall XR is barely enough to get me up out of bed on occasions, but I'm still not functioning even at a basic level and feel like a crumbling mess (not showering, my room is a complete disaster and I'm not doing anything about it, haven't done laundry in months, have gained 40 lb in just over 30 days so the clothes in the laundry won't fit anyway). I feel like if my pdoc or sleep doc would be willing to prescribe at least Adderall XR 90 mg or Dexedrine 60 mg, even up to Adderall XR 120 mg or Dexedrine 75-90 mg, I think that would have me functioning at a basic level. Those numbers I say because... well... I'm not too proud to admit it, but I've tried taking that much on my own out of sheer desperation and I felt "normal." I know it's not unheard of for people to be prescribed up to 120 mg Dexedrine, which is more potent than Adderall... 
 
I've tried Nuvigil and Provigil—Nuvigil barely works, and Provigil doesn't work worth a damn—plus the prior authorization process is impossible to get through between my pharmacy and pdoc office. My pdoc office refuses to communicate with my pharmacy because they don't use some special protocol for filling out PAs.
 
Perhaps I can just schedule an appointment with my sleep doc and see if he'd be willing to take over prescribing of my stimulants and see if he'd be willing to prescribe a higher dose.



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Dog Days

Posted by Silverdraig in Silverdraig's Arrangement of Electrons, 23 November 2015 · 104 views
dog, happy

This little sprout is keeping me busy, and tired, but in a good way :D
 
https://picasaweb.go...feat=directlink
 
 



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Dispair

Posted by Radaghest in Trigger Warning, 17 November 2015 · 129 views

Granny died in August. Uncle David died tonight. I'm tired of hurting.



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I Don't Always Engage In Impulsive Behavior. But When I Do...

Posted by sleep in the sun in echo maker, 16 November 2015 · 114 views

... I go for major changes, stressful at least for a few years.
 
In such a manic Brazilian spring I dropped out of graduate school and found a job in 2007. It took me years to settle in, as I was just beginning treatment for the brain crazies. 
 
Now I've decided to enter graduate school again -- in an abstruse, semi-related subject, for that matter. I'm so fucked. 
 
Can't I pull back? Maybe if they reject me outright. I wanted to talk to my boss about this program and maybe trying to keep work and studies at the same time -- and at the end of a five minute conversation he had said that a recommendation letter was wholly inadequate, but he knew all the directors at this particular school and he was going in person instead. 

 

(We're a consulting group attached to an university. Also, my boss is so awesome, he's the reason people say that great things are "boss". But now the wheels are in motion. A momentary impulse has set me towards two years of grueling academic work on top of the time-consuming, "hard" work I had learned to perform comfortably.)

 

I had put my life in order. I was enjoying my free time in self-directed study. I'm FUCKED, I tell you. 



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Cat Fight...

Posted by Doeetright in Doneitall, 15 November 2015 · 92 views

I'll start this off with the thing that's bothering me the least, my cats are fighting non stop.  Not quite sure what to do about it.  Something happened and Snickers pissed off Lucky, now Lucky is attacking Snickers every chance she gets with the ferocity of a lion.  It's gotten so bad that the only way I can get Snickers down from on top of the refrigerator is to lock Lucky up in the bedroom.  That just seems unfair to one of them though because one of them gets my attention and love and the other gets to be in a room alone.  It's quiet now because Snickers is sleeping on top of the refrigerator, but eventually she has to come down to eat and use the restroom...  Sigh, no idea what I'm going to do with those two...
 
Surgery...  The day is coming closer and closer, but it is just my luck that the ONLY surgeon in the whole region including multiple states that can do the surgery I need is a complete and total prick...  So I had a cortisone/steroid injection in my hip to see if it would feel any better.  It caused significant pain the first night and first day, then after that I was right back to my normal pain levels with absolutely no improvement.  Everything went great though, the guy that did it was very professional, he used the x-ray machine to get it down in the joint properly.  Everything was perfect...  Except that it wasn't.  Well, this surgeon I'm seeing, he wants me to drive four hours (there, then four hours back) to get this shot done so he can supervise it personally and examine me pre and post shot. What's worse is my appointment is at 9am, so I have to be on the road at 5am just to make sure I'm there on time. Not to mention this is the day before Thanksgiving, so I'm going to be in massive pain trying to walk around on crutches to eat and everything.  I guess I should just be thankful that he's seeing me at all after I chewed him out royally on my visit before last.
 
I feel myself pushing people away and I don't know how to stop it, I'm actively trying to fight it this time.  To try and keep "being me" but all I want to do is sleep and when I'm not sleeping I just want to play opossum.  I need help, I'm taking my medicine, I'm doing everything I know to do...  I don't want to lose the things and people I've got in my life.  I've got so little left.  I've got so much to talk about with my therapist that I can't wait for the day that I see him.  I'm worried that the Golem was right, my house really is crumbling...



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Girly Stuff.... Really. Not Kidding... Squeamish Beware.

Posted by moonfroot in Moonfrootiness, 13 November 2015 · 98 views

Girly Stuff.... Really. Not Kidding... Squeamish Beware.

So, I know I don't come on here very often as of this past year, but DANG. OK, I had left hand carpal tunnel release and trigger finger release surgery a few months ago. Wll, heck, I'm NOT a good patient! I had to get laundry done, carry heavy things, yadda yadda. It's been two months, it's getting cold out, and lo and behold hand still isn't working right, but thankfully I can still type!! Texting still not going too well, no worse than before, but using my right hand to compensate for my left, now they hare both half useless :(
 
OK ***GIRLY STUFF****
 
I have been having pelvic/back pain/rampant severe diarrea for about 3 years now, SOMETHING IS WRONG. So, I had a look-see, and with OB/GYN, gastroenterology, rheumatology, chiropractors, physical therapy... It's been a rough ride. I had my right ovary removed because it had a cyst on it. Fine and dandy. I had a polyp-ectomy and uterine ablation to ease dysmennorea (sp?) That went well untill I had the ovary removed, it worked, it was great! Then I started cramping and getting spottiness that wasn't full cycle. I went BACK to surgeon, got two CT scans a few months apart for diagnostic purposes. They FINALLY admit there is a post-operative unidentifiable clip in my pelvic area, along with two filshie clips from getting my tubes tied back when I was in my early 20's.
 
So, all the hardware... metal clip doesn't mix with being "electrocuted" inside for the ablation right??! My guess. BUT, I talked to the consulting surgeon that my usual surgeon called (THis new surgeon does NOT have a reputation for being nice, so I was all prepared with ALL my medical paperwork, surgery list & such from back when I had my first issue) He told me that, the surgeon who removed my ovary broke apart my ablation (I hope this isn't too graphic, if you don't want to know, skip this part) -  they stick a rod up cervix into uterus, and it broke apart and negated my ablation!
 
 
(OK TO READ FROM HERE) So, needless to say, I had went back in since all my pain is back. My consulting surgeon called my main surgeon, talked to him (I could hear him through the door) and started CUSSING HIM OUT and hung up on him!! hahahahaha~!!! I was so happy to hear that, my surgeon is a bit of a doof. He has good skills, but not in some departments, like surgery haha... My main surgeon called back after my consulting surgeon hung up on him, and I heard him say something to the effect of "after your done doing your stupid messing around, i'll do what will help her!" and hung up on him again! He came back in, and I asked a few questions. All said and done, hysterectomy, third clip removal and "abdominal mass" is set to be removed as soon as I get a prior authorization from my insurance company!
 
I have been fighting with this for WAY too long! I hope it will be done before the year is out, my 3 year fight will be over as a christmas present to myself.
 
AS with any other aspect of my life, sister is moving away again, my niece is pregnant and moving away, my mom died in June, my great uncle who molested me died, my favorite gramma died, one of my friends died, and I am overwhelmed and haven't been too social lately.
 
I can only hope all of you are doing alright out there, and PEACE TO PARIS.
 



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Sleep Last Night

Posted by ghostfreak in ghostfreak's Blog, 11 November 2015 · 96 views
sleep, insomnia, temazepam

So I managed to get a few hours sleep last night after waiting about for the Temezapam to work (waited a good few hours anyway).
 
I'll keep taking it every day until my prescription runs out and then go back to the doc and see if there's anything else I could try.



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Running Out Of Options

Posted by linzee.loo830 in Diary of a Complex Female's Psyche, 08 November 2015 · 83 views

I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I thought the new meds put me in control of the benzos. Xanax was supposed to be a backdrop to my treatment plan, but it always finds its way to center stage.



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Experiences

Posted by Cthebird in Hummingbird Blog, 27 October 2015 · 107 views
experiences, depersonalization and 1 more...

[This was written yesterday.]
  Yesterday was an extremely lovely day. We went into New York City, as I mentioned. We got a late start so had to miss the trip to MOMA for the Piccasso sculptures. I told hubby that we should go back to the city to see them before the exhibit closes.

 

We had a quick lunch before the DBSA event. Nothing special for lunch. We ate in a cafe within Lincoln Center. Then we went to the event. When I got there David and his wife Theresa came up to me. I know them from my local DBSA. David was the one who told me about the event. He seemed pleased to see my husband and I. We sat next to them during the event.

 

The speakers at the event were both great. I especially like Melody Moezzi's keynote address. She was quite inspiring. Melody (https://en.wikipedia...i/Melody_Moezzi) was trained as a lawyer but eventually became a writer. She is Iranian and originally set out to fight stigma against Muslim Americans. She still does that, but after her bipolar psychotic breaks Mood Disorders became her primary focus. She also focuses on the issue of the mentally ill in jails. I think she's basically the bee's knee's. All of that and she's a most sweet and beautiful woman, as well. I met her at the event, shaking her hand, and told her how I enjoy her column in Bp Magazine. I have yet to read her books. She's also a United Nations Global Expert. Wow! I wish I could be more like her.

 

On our way to the subway but still at Lincoln Center hubby saw a movie about Misty Copeland listed at the movie theater for the performing arts. Hubby and I really admire Misty Copeland. She is the first African American classical ballet dancer for ABT (American Ballet Theater). She's a lovely dancer and a charming woman. We saw her perform with the accompaniment of Yo-Yo Ma on cello on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert recently. Hubby wanted to go in and see the movie, so we did. We were only about 15 mins late. The movie-documentary was great! I hope to see her perform some day. In fact, I'd like to put that down on my Christmas present wish list. Hubby would really like that too.

 

After the movie we took the subway and train home. On the train there were 2 women doused in some horrible cologne that were clearly high on something. They were yelling baloney the whole time and my husband (typical hubby) yelled "Shut up!" so almost everyone in the train car could hear. Of course that set off the two women. I had had a great day up until then. The women didn't exactly know who yelled that, so at the first stop I demanded my husband and I move to a different car. Luckily he complied and we no longer had to hear the women bitch about the man that yelled "Shut up!" I hate when he does that, but he was arguing that several people around him gave him the thumbs up for yelling it. But still, it's better to move then get so irritable. My hubby grew up in a big city (Prague, Czechoslovakia), though not as big as NYC. I'm just a small town girl. I would never do that kind of thing save when I'm irritable hypomanic/manic. But that means I'm sick. Not full of gumption.

 

Today was my pdoc appointment. I had a wonderful time. I'll admit that I did have the 2 main things I wanted to talk about written down, but I left the sheet at home. Strangely, pdoc always seems to prefer when I show up empty handed. When I have too much of a formal agenda, he becomes more formal. I kind of wanted a light get together. I talked about a number of significant things, but in a sort of chatty way. He was chatty back. I liked that. He smiles more that way.

 

At the very end of our session I finally brought up the topic of depersonalization/derealization. He surprised me when he said he thinks I certainly may have experienced this. But the session was nearly over and he said we'd discuss it more some other time. He had to schedule my upcoming appointments and conclude the session.

 

When I got home I was kind of surprised to see that the next 3 new appointments he scheduled were only 2 weeks apart from one another, though my very next appointment is in 3 weeks. I'm guessing he did that because of all of the holidays coming up, plus he said he was taking some extra time off. But obviously he scheduled me around his vacation. Honestly, I don't always understand what he has in mind. Sometimes he gives me the choose of a 2 or 3 week session. Sometimes he chooses it himself. I hate when he wants me to choose. You all know I'd love to see him more often. When I did choose the 3 weeks between this and the next I did so only to not sound so love sick. He seemed to approve at the time.

 

My Seroquel XR dose seems to be working out, so he left it as is. He and I had discussed in length how I should walk more. He even gave me a third reminder on my way out. He's concerned about my cholesterol and triglycerides. He says that even if I don't lose that much weight, they could go down if I walk more. I MUST WALK MORE. But I'll confess that I didn't do more than errands this afternoon. Tomorrow I will walk extra far.  
 



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Topamax Still Working Well..combined With Ketogenic Diet = Near Total Stability!

Posted by forever young in forever young's Blog, 24 October 2015 · 101 views
Topamax, ketogenic, weight gain

Very happy to say that topamax still has me stable. This has been true since late winter after the full adaptation to 200mg of topamax (4X a day of 50mg with each 50mg every 4 hours).

 

Yes, I have had some setbacks for sure. All involved jet lag. For example, this summer had a 10 hour timeshift due to travel for several weeks. And it was it into an unstable part of the world. The timeshift definitely whacked me into cycling again for the whole trip. And short trips of 3-5 hours time shift also cause symptoms of bipolar cycling to occur like intrusive thoughts, ocd, panic, etc.

 

But outside of the travel time shifts, it appears the topamax has really worked! After living in ultra ultra rapid cycling hell from 2006 through the beginning of 2015 with no real med working, topamax worked. And it was Jared's contribution and Crazymed that helped me.

 

Topamax got me from 60% bad depressed cycling days down to 3% (a day a month)

 

And stopped the nonstop weight gain from depakote in its tracks. And I lost 8 lbs from it as well. But no more.

 

So I then tried to lose some weight using the 1972 version of the Atkins diet. Which is the hard core version that is <25 grams of carbohydrates. And no sugar allowed at all. Which I have been losing about
1 lb a week on.

 

The AMAZING unexpected effect of this ketogenic diet of elimating carbohydrates other than vegetables (and I really mean no other carbohydrates than vegetables) is that my mood is totally stable and I have ZERO BAD days and have a stable mood.

 

I remember feeling this way when I was younger. Before my ultra ultra rapid cycling BP2 came into full effect 9 years ago.

 

So, a strict ketogenic diet actually helped me. Didn't expect this at all.



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101915

Posted by __zug__ in __zug__'s Blog, 19 October 2015 · 85 views

...rethinking my reentering the "med merry-go-round" this morning...relapse is not related in my opinion, it's a separate thing so why do it?!?!....of course, this week will be absolute hell but I will find the strength to make it through it somehow, I have no other choice...no more "i'm not going to do this again" either....move on, it's done with...make better decisions in the future and issue is solved...once the cobwebs are gone, get back to doing what you are planning to do...don't give up...



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Unsent Manic Letter

Posted by fannyring in Go Ask Franny, 18 October 2015 · 110 views

It’s been a long time since I wrote a letter though I went through a period in the spring where I was lonely and became obsessed with it. It is nice to write to someone though, even if I don’t know them per se. Anyway, my life has been rather humdrum as of late. I was very sick and I feel as if I regressed back into early child hood; jello, apple juice, and I’ve been wearing a sweatshirt from pre school that still fits because I lost of bunch of weight being sick and not having an apetite. I’m a toddler that looks like a haggard old crone.
I just back from San Francisco. I miss my friends and the vibrancy of the city even though it is being over taken by yuppies. I love the steep hills, the Victorian houses, the smell of hot dog meat and bacon sizzling on mission street and the crazy people on public transit. Everyone is insane and on drugs in San Francisco. The most colorful example being this dude sweating balls, dancing, and singing tunelessly on a crowded bart train at around 4 pm: “Every where I go, every video, I see the same ho. Then, “What’s next iphone? Aw, yeah bitch.” Every time the doors opened, he yelled out, “Bet you didn’t expect Tupac to be on this train.” Keep in mind that this was a huge, barrel chested white guy. I much preferred him to the drunken yuppies spilling out of bars at 11 pm on their ‘wild’ Friday night out because being wild is doing what every else does at the same time, apparently. And sadly, you look, there is some sleek modern industrial restraunt/ coffee shop cropped up. I am infuriated by the fact that new home owners are gutting their Victorian houses and taking out the original molding. Yes, those old houses are musty and hard to maintain, but I guess what this diatribe boils down to is, fuck it, the hills in San Francisco are a bitch but the views are beautiful once you get to the top.
  Portland is “weird” but in a quiet way; I feel like the minute I get to know someone here they start espousing conspiracy theories about how the moon is hollow and filled with aliens that control the illumunati and going on about dolphin ESP. Actually when I think about it, it’s not very weird at all but very middle American. I mean, I’m pretty sure that I’m on daytime TV there is channel that has back-to-back programming about that sort of crap.
Not that I’m totally dismissing it; it’s entertaining to listen to, to a degree. I guess what annoys me is that at it’s backbone of is that there is this idea that fundamentally there are different heirachies of intelligence. Dolphins have those fun loving charismatic personalities, so of course new agers can relate to them. Nobody wants to connect to the lower, more primordial life forms like the lowly starfish that just clamp on to rocks with their tiny tentacles. Or the coral that slowly builds up over the ages. I have encountered people “battered in the tidal zone” so to speak, that are unable to connect in a personable anymore but are clinging desperately to whatever sanity they have left. I don’t think we should think any less of them.
 
As for the coral, I think of how art often involves craftsmanship that is obsessive repetition that doesn’t look like much up close, but over time, accrues into something that is much more. As for aliens controlling us, just look at man’s attempts to harness the natural world or other civilizations, because they/it is “less evolved” and thus easy to understand what a mess they’ve made. I find it fascinating that people equate control with a higher intelligence; usually I think it is synomous with stupidity as it belies an inability to recognize the intricacies of what they think is beneath them. In conclusion, dolphins are the sociopaths of the sea and in the process of ranting about conspiracy theorists/ new agers I’m sure I’ve made myself out to be more insane than they are. That’s me, alright; it’s not that scientifically it doesn’t make sense, it’s just that their ideas are fucked up and are reconstructions the very power structures they are seemingly deviant from.
 





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